Laws of British Sports Cars

[TsgtRet]

This is a follow on to my "Lucas" thread, I'm sure there are many additions needed :D


Many distinguished scientists have worked their entire lives to try and figure out why British autos never seem to obey any scientific laws known to man.

These eminent scientists, with names like Morris, Healey, Leyland, Mowog, and Murphy, shook the scientific community when they published their new theory of mechanical behavior called "The Laws for British Sports Cars." Many people are not familiar with the five major laws, so they are listed below with a brief explanation of each.


1. Law of Peculiar Random Nomenclature
The name of a British Sports Car shall consist primarily of letters and numbers, with said letters and numbers chosen in random fashion so that the resultant vehicle name is wholly devoid of meaning.
This law explains why British cars always have spectacularly bad names like 'XKE' or worse yet, 'MGBGT'.


2. Law of Cryptic Instruction
Any book, manual, pamphlet, or text dealing with the maintenance, repair, or restoration of a British Sports Car shall be written so that at least every fourth word will be unknown to the average reader. In the event that any portion of the text is understandable, the information contained therein shall be incorrect.
Most people are familiar with this law. Here is an excerpt from page 132 of the MGA shop manual: "Before rebushing the lower grunnion banjos, you must remove the bonnet facia and undo the A-arm nut with a #3 spanner." All attempts to publish an English language version of this manual have failed.


3. Love of Hardship Law
The more a British Sports Car malfunctions, breaks, and/or falls apart, the more endearing it becomes to the owner.
You buy a British Sports Car. You have had it a year and a half, and have replaced every item on the car at least twice. When the engine is started it sounds as if someone has thrown a handful of ball bearings into a blender. But when someone offers to buy it, you are offended because "It's like part of the family, and besides, it's so much fun to drive." British Sports Car owners often stare into space and smile a lot. This is referred to as the "Foolish Person Syndrome."


4. Law of Non-Functional Attributes
All British Sports Cars, regardless of condition or age, shall always have at least one system or sub-system of components which is entirely non-functional, and cannot be repaired except on a semi-permanent or semi-functional basis.
This is also known as the famous Lucas Electrics Law.


5. Recently Discovered Component Failure Law
Any component of a British Sports Car which is entirely unknown to the owner shall function perfectly, until such time that the owner becomes aware of the component's existence, when it shall instantly fail.
Case in point: I have owned a rather natty MGB for six years. I never knew there was such a thing as a 'Gulp Valve' until I saw new ones offered for sale by Moss Motors. The next day, driving my MGB to work, the Gulp Valve fell off the motor and was run over by a truck.

I do not know what the Gulp Valve gulps, nor do I particularly care to know, since it sounds messy and dangerous. But I figured I would buy a new Gulp Valve and install it myself. One look at the shop manual and I decided to have somebody else install it (see Law of Cryptic Instructions, above).

While I'm driving the car over to the local repair establishment, I notice that the MGB is performing just as well as it ever did and that the loss of the mysterious Gulp Valve has not had any effect on its behavior. I figure this is due to the Non-functional Attribute Law, which means that the Gulp Valve probably wasn't gulping anything anyway, so I decided not to replace it after all.

Three days later the engine had no more oil in it and promptly seized into a solid mass of metal. The tow truck operator, being ignorant of the Love of Hardship Law, offered to take the car off my hands for $100.00. I just smiled.

[waaytoomuchintothis]

Ya got me. I have once again caused my wife to leave her quilting and come see what I was laughing at. Having endured a beloved MGA many years ago, and knowing the particular parts involved in the example of the Law of Cryptic Instruction, I have to say there is evidence the author of this piece is speaking from experience. Thanks. I needed a good hoot today.

[Mayberryman]

I agree with most of the things that were posted about the British Sports Cars, however, an even more illusive topic would be about the American drivers who loved and love them. I was a dyed in the wool British Sports Car driver for about 20 years with cars ranging from MGAs to a Morgan to the Lowly and very much loved Spridgets. I was amazed at the transformations of otherwise Southern people to something of a funny attempt at being British. Suddenly these Southern Males found terms such as "My Good Man" and we found that the engine was no longer covered by a hood, but rather a bonnet. I went to the station and bought petrol and cleaned parts with paraffin and all in all was rather proud of myself although I did not own one tweed coat or Sherlock Holmes shaped pipe. I was constantly in search of the next Car related badge to bolt onto my Badge Bar, never had enough driving gloves with no fingers and never did find the proper name for that little flat hat that we all had to have. Our cars might not have run all the time but when they did we kept on the lookout for other British Cars and Drivers so that we could wave at them in passing. Well I guess it is time to end this post and attend to my Noon meal of Fish and Chips and with what else but a cup of tea.

[TsgtRet]

Mayberry your comment about waving at passing "Fellow Followers" reminded me of my first instance of public, British Car Induced, "Is He Nuts?" syndrome.
1971, late Autumn, driving to the Hocking Hills on US 33 just South of Lancaster, Ohio in my 65 MK I Spit. It's in the upper 30s and I have top down, tonneau on and heater going full tilt. I, of course was getting "looks" from the "normal people" as I passed them. I was watching the Northbound traffic when I spotted a TD, top down, windscreen down, wearing a leather helmet and goggles......we proceeded to flash and wave as we passed.........the "normal people" were sure we were crazy, and, I suppose we were but happily so!

[Ember]

Thank you so much lads for a jolly good guffaw. :D

[Mayberryman]

[SuperSlab]

Well I grew up in one of the Colonies (South Africa) so I was blessed/cursed with vast British influences. Yes, I still struggle with hoods and trunks: they will forever be bonnets and boots in my world.

But there are some advantages to British automotive engineering: oil dipsticks were forever rendered redundant on Brit motorcycles as all you had to do is look at what the highest point was from which the oil was currently seeping out: that would be the engine oil level!

But the motorcycle designers did completely and utterly confuse me by placing the gear shift lever and rear brakes on the opposite side to what the rest of the world did! The first time I rode a friend's BSA was most perplexing. Accelerating and shifting up was reasonably OK because you only had to focus on doing something unfamiliar with one (wrong!) foot. Stopping and trying to apply the rear brake while downshifting: now that was a different matter entirely! So I just pulled in the clutch, used the front brake to stop and then, while stopped, tried to work my way back down to first gear in a very hard to shift, balky gearbox.

Ahh the British...

[Harry Slotter]

We British still of course laughing our arses off that you guys bought these. I believe the export models were those made on Friday afternoons.

[Ember]

I do believe when it came to BMC every day was Friday.

[waaytoomuchintothis]

Yes, yes, Ember has spoken the truth. BMC was the AMF of Britain. Everything they touched sucked in both cases- I'm still ticked off at both of them.

On another subject, isn't it weird that accelerating through the gears on a Brit bike is more comfortable than down shifting and braking? I never figureds that out. I drove a Triumph for a week or so, and a BSA for a week while guys swapped with me for long trips when dependability required my Honda 750 for them. I only drove in the city while they were gone, and I had some experience with Brit bikes, so the temporary swap was easy and comfortable for all concerned. I found that even though I didn't wind their bikes up or tried to push corners unduely, I only felt awkward when shutting down. I still remember that feeling of loss of control every time I had to quickly slow up in traffic.

[Ember]

[TsgtRet]

Embs, I've had 2 Fiats: a 76 131 that I drove for 6 years (Ohio, Texas and England) and a 75 X1/9 that was one of my "project cars" at the time. Amazingly the only problems I had with the 131 were either caused by the US Federally mandated Safety and Emissions equipment or my own arrogance/stupidity.
The X1/9, being a project car, had problems but I couldn't really blame any of those on Fiat.....more on the previous owners. In fairness to the Brit cars of the 5 that I've owned the only major problems I remember were a Spit that ate tach cables and my short ownership 69 Rover which I rebuilt the generator twice in the 2 1/2 months I owned it.

[waaytoomuchintothis]

Maybe this is a subject to avoid (because there are better stories about them than mine), but I drove a rented Citroen 2CV from Southern France into Northern Italy (yes, I had that small amount to spend), and it was an education, at least. It had rectangular headlights, so it should have been nearly new at the time. The entire time I was in Europe, I never felt so alone and isolated as when I overheated that... thing. A passing Citroen truck stopped and reassured me in Italian, so I only barely understood anything said by the smiling nice fellow, that if I would just wait for it, it would run again. He was quite correct. When cooled, it ran just fine, even at altitude, and since it was colder then, I made it all the way to the rendezvous as planned.

I will never forget that bizarre car, nor the feeling that if I knew more about the car, I might have had more respect for it than I did. I will say, it performed as promised, no electrical surprises, etc.

[Harry Slotter]

[buspor63]